LOS ANGELES — Leaked emails from high-ranking members of the Recording Academy of America suggest that the three Turnstile Grammy nominations were a subversive attempt to secure guest list spots for the Blink-182 concerts of next year.
“Can you blame us? I looked up tickets for the second show in Los Angeles and they were like $900 for nosebleed seats,” NARAS President Harvey Mason Jr. said while shredding piles of paperwork. “Some people said we should have named Blink for their new song ‘Edging’, but hey, nobody would have fallen for it. People actually listen to Turnstile, so it was an easy choice. The music industry is built on scratching your back anyway. All we need is 75 spots on the guest list and I can basically guarantee them the “best rock performance”. Last year, Dream Theater won “Best Metal Performance” because Mike Portnoy said he would give my nephew drum lessons.
Other nominees for the 2023 Grammy Awards began to suspect the Academy wanted favors in exchange for consideration.
“We were all surprised by the nomination for ‘best rock song,’ and then a few old men came to my house with towels and bathing suits and I started putting things together,” said Flea, bass player for The Reds. Hot Chili Peppers. “They told me they were with the Academy and they wanted to go for a little dip in my pool. It really caught me off guard because it was pretty cold in LA, but I said yes for fun. They stayed until about 2am and I think one of them broke a bottle and part of the glass got into the pool. It’s really dangerous, so they better give the Chili Peppers that price or I send them an invoice.
Independent watchdog groups trying to curb corruption in the entertainment industry admit they are powerless against quid pro quo deals.
“It’s been going on forever, and frankly, we’ve given up trying to stop it. The best we can do is enjoy some of the benefits,” said Gloria Banks, president of Alliance for Ethical Accountability. kept your mouth shut this year and we got a bunch of veg from Brandi Carlisle’s personal garden, and I get three free nights at an Airbnb in Sweden owned by the ABBA manager. but I don’t care I got a 30 second video of Harry Styles saying ‘I’m rocking’ I can die happy.
As of press time, the Recording Academy of America posted a video on its YouTube channel reminding record labels that cash kickbacks are always the best way to guarantee their artist a win.